


104 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do in the Pegasus Galaxy

by Jane St Clair (3jane)



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-07
Updated: 2011-08-07
Packaged: 2017-10-22 08:52:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/236292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3jane/pseuds/Jane%20St%20Clair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not allowed to do anything fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	104 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do in the Pegasus Galaxy

Not allowed to make Southpark-style images of command team.

 

Not allowed to drape the Stargate with bunting.

 

Not allowed to build fake ZPMs out of food.

 

Even if supplies are not currently short.

 

Even if everyone hates foodstuff in question.

 

Not allowed to claim I have the power of the Ancients.

 

Not allowed to tell anyone that ATA gene therapy makes you crave cheese.

 

Not allowed to bring inflatable sex doll as personal item.

 

Not allowed to dress inflatable sex doll in military uniform and assign it guard duty.

 

Not allowed to claim I've found Bin Laden.

 

Not allowed to join planetary cults.

 

Not allowed to declare myself high priest of Atlantis.

 

Not allowed to address Dr Weir as "Most Holy Priestess".

 

Not allowed to make burnt offerings to the Ancients.

 

Not allowed to use the gene-therapy mice to test my "better mousetrap".

 

Not allowed to call science team dorks, nerds, or dweebs. (The correct term is geek. I will remember this.)

 

Not allowed to point out that geeks bite the heads off live chickens.

 

Not allowed to stage an alternate Season 2 of Carnivale featuring the science team.

 

Not allowed to release live chicken-like-creatures into labs.

 

Not allowed to claim Dr O'Riordan is "after me lucky charms".

 

Not allowed to tell the multi-ethnic desert island joke.

 

Not allowed to act out the multi-ethnic desert island joke using science team members of appropriate ethnicity.

 

Not allowed to ask Dr McKay if he knows this one guy from Fredericton.

 

Not allowed to demand Dr McKay tell Inuit stories.

 

Not allowed to ask Dr McKay where his deaf wolf is.

 

Not allowed to refer to Dr Zelenka as 'Diefenbaker'.

 

Not allowed to perform interpretive dance of welcome while guarding the Gate.

 

Not allowed to announce Dr Weir's arrival with "hot stuff, coming through!"

 

Not allowed to announce Major Sheppard's arrival with "hot stuff, coming through!"

 

Not allowed to use nearly-depleted ZPMs to power sex toys.

 

Not allowed to chew gum when everyone else has run out.

 

Not allowed to ruminate aloud on how much more clean underwear I should have brought with me.

 

Not allowed to engage in psychological warfare against the Athosians.

 

Not allowed to announce a newly-secured area of the city with "all your base is belong to us!"

 

Not allowed to write mission reports in Engrish.

 

Not allowed to write mission reports in Konglish, either.

 

Not allowed to write mission reports in Esperanto.

 

Not allowed to compose mission reports using only song lyrics.

 

Not allowed to remind Dr Weir of any 80s power ballad.

 

Not allowed to refer to Atlantis' civilian commander as "Dr Weird".

 

Not allowed to ask Dr Beckett if he wants "to play doctor".

 

Not allowed to throw a Rubik's cube into crowds of scientists.

 

Not allowed to write insulting messages in binary code.

 

Not allowed to make LSD in the chemistry lab.

 

Not allowed to skinny-dip off Pier 2.

 

Not allowed to skinny-dip off any other pier, either.

 

Not allowed to run anyone's underpants up any flagpole.

 

Not allowed to repaint any public area of the city in a red-and-dusty-rose colour scheme.

 

Not allowed to refer to Canadian spelling as "an instrument of Satan".

 

Not allowed to British spelling as "a hideous linguistic accident".

 

Not allowed to taunt anyone using Shakespearean insults.

 

Not allowed to pole-dance in the mess.

 

Not allowed to teach pole-dancing to visiting natives.

 

Not allowed to facilitate cultural exchange by learning their version of pole dancing.

 

Not allowed to refer to Major Sheppard as "Captain Spacepants".

 

Not allowed to refer to Ms Emmagram as "sex vixen from outer space".

 

Not allowed to quote "Full Metal Jacket" to commanding officer.

 

Not allowed to re-enact any part of "Catch-22".

 

Not allowed through the Stargate while skyclad.

 

Not allowed to teach Athosian children "The Song That Doesn't End".

 

Not allowed to teach any visitor "Great Green Globs of Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts". Not allowed the demonstrate, illustrate, or explain cultural significance.

 

Not allowed to ask Dr Beckett how to make haggis.

 

Not allowed to quote any part of "Trainspotting" in Dr Beckett's hearing.

 

Not allowed to refer to Drs Zelenka and McKay as "Boris and Natasha".

 

Not allowed to refer to Drs Zelenka and McKay as "Dr Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker".

 

Not allowed to refer to Drs Zelenka and McKay as "Pinky and the Brain".

 

Not allowed to refer to Drs Zelenka and McKay as "Mommy and Daddy".

 

Not allowed to tell Drs Zelenka and McKay which one is "Mommy".

 

Not allowed to tell visiting clerics that my god can beat up their god.

 

Not allowed to use any of the seven words you can't say on television in mission reports.

 

Not allowed to begin any mission briefing by asking if aliens will force us to have sex with each other.

 

Not allowed to call dibs on any team member for alien-forced-sex purposes.

 

Not allowed to comment on any incident of alien-forced-sex by quoting "Deliverance".

 

Not allowed to hold Dr McKay responsible for Celine Dion.

 

Not allowed to sing "Blame Canada" in Dr McKay's hearing.

 

Not allowed to screen episodes of "Oz" for prisoners.

 

Not allowed to brandish crucifixes at returning officers, to check if they've been "vamped".

 

Not allowed to teach anyone in the Pegasus galaxy to smoke.

 

Not allowed to trade for reefer.

 

Unless it's for medical use.

 

Not allowed to ask why Dr Beckett gets all the good dope.

 

Not allowed to spank any member of the science team.

 

Not allowed to sing "So Long Mom, I’m Off to Drop the Bomb" when engaging the Wraith.

 

Not allowed to lead the science team in rounds of the Engineering song.

 

Not allowed to challenge the mission engineers to prove they really can demolish forty beers.

 

Not allowed to claim any mission "sucks. Farscape did it better."

 

Not allowed to scream, "God damn your hotness, Sheppard!"

 

Not allowed to give any member of the command team while in uniform. While *either* of us is in uniform.

 

Not allowed to tell Dr Kavanagh he will be "first against the wall when the revolution comes."

 

Not allowed to abduct, anally probe, and return naked any civilian.

 

Not allowed to distribute naked photos of command staff.

 

Not allowed to distribute compromising videos of anyone.

 

Not allowed to use MREs for sexual purposes.

 

Not allowed to append "space-" to all nouns.

 

Not allowed to claim the wormhole gave me worms.

 

Not allowed to run naked through the corridors screaming, "Heisenberg was wrong!"

 

Not allowed to claim "Back to the Future" was scientifically accurate.

 

Not allowed to demand any member of science team prove otherwise.

 

Not allowed to ask commanding officer when he's going to run out of "that nancy-boy hair gel [he likes] so much".

 

Not allowed to throw water balloons through the Stargate at the Genii.

 

Not allowed to moon the Genii.

 

Not allowed to use zombie-movie tactics on the Wraith.

 

Not allowed to issued safety procedures regarding zombie attacks.

 

Not allowed to wedgie any member of the science team who refuses to give me god-like powers.


End file.
